Today is payday for us and as usual I’m afraid to tell my husband that after we pay our bills we are not going to have a whole lot of money left. We both make decent money, however, we bought a new house almost 6 mos. ago so money is a lot tighter now. Our mortgage is double what our rent was, but the good thing is that includes our taxes and insurance. I knew that buying a home would mean we’d have to cut back and I was willing to make the sacrifice. My husband said he wanted to make the sacrifice as well, but his actions show otherwise. I pay all the bills, keep up with what’s in our bank account, etc. Quite naturally I know what’s left and what can and can’t be spent. We like to eat out so I don’t buy as many groceries to balance things out. He likes to go out with his friends as well. They go to sporting events, to have cocktails and out to eat. When he gets with his friends, whom are mostly single, he loses sight of what’s important and sometimes spends money we don’t have.
He rarely checks our account balance so he has no clue about anything. All he knows is that our checks were direct deposited so there’s money in the account. What he doesn’t seem to realize is most of that money is already accounted for. We will be low on funds and next thing I know he wants to go somewhere spendy for dinner. I will say “We’re kind of low on funds, so we should pick somewhere cheaper.”. His response is usually a tantrum. He’ll immediately get an attitude with me and say “Nevermind. We just don’t have to go. We can eat whatever we have here.”. Another instance is if we are out with friends or his parents, he will want to stop by the liquor store and buy a 5th of say Crown Royal. I’ll kind of look at him (scared to say anything) and he’ll say “Are you nervous about money?”. I’ll say “Yes, but go ahead and get what you want.”. Inside my mind I’m thinking, “I still have to pay this and that.”. He’ll say (with an attitude) “Let’s just go. I’ll get a beer or something. .”.
On several occasions when I’ve said “We have to pay our light bill next pay period” and he’ll say “Already? The light bill is due already? How much is it? I thought we just PAID a light bill?”. Either that or “I thought you told me you paid that already?”. But he was referring to last month’s bill. Once we got into a huge argument because his friends wanted him to go party and we had just paid bills. We had maybe $ 200 left. He was walking around with an attitude. I asked him if he was okay. That’s when he went into “I just feel like we never have any money. This house takes all our money. We can’t do anything.”. But that’s just it, he goes all the time. I rarely do anything because I don’t really have any friends to hang out with. There are times when I have told him to take bill money and go have fun, just so he wouldn’t seem so depressed. Most times he will refuse, but if he really wants to go he will do it. Honestly, having fun is all he cares about.
I try to be a good wife and keep our bills in order. He doesn’t appreciate that. Our account is never overdrawn and our bills are never disconnected. Why? Because I put my priorities first. I’d rather own a home than party. I did that most of my young adult life. He tells me he can’t be content with working and paying bills, but I thank God everyday because he makes it possible for us to pay our bills. At this point in time, what more could I ask for. I am so grateful. We go out to eat 3-5 nights a week. We go have drinks. I am able to buy decorations for the house every now and then. We have clothes, etc. Sure, we can’t take nice trips and go out and spend thousands at a time, but eventually we will get to that point. My priority is to pay my bills and make my house payments on time so we can refinance in 6 mos. I can play later. Right now I want to take care of business. Am I wrong for that or am I being selfish?
This is the thing that makes me mad. My husband loves the house, but he doesn’t want to pay for the house. He wants to have nice things AND still be able to party. We make decent money between the both of us, but we can’t do it. We make enough to pay all our bills and have maybe $ 400 or $ 500 left over per month. It is to the point to where I just hide things from him so he won’t get upset. If a bill needs to be paid, I pay it … and I rob Peter to pay Paul sometimes, but things get done. But I am tired of being in fear to talk to him because he can’t cope with reality. He can sometimes be very childish and babyfied and it comes from being an only child and from a family where the mother worried about everything while the men (he and his dad) just sat back.
Let me add that the ONLY thing he gets upset about (when I say we can’t buy this and that) is cocktails or food. He rarely shops (I buy 95% of his clothes and shoes). He could care less about furniture, etc. and he is also very cheap. But the main thing that ruffles his feathers is if he can’t go hang out with his friends and act like one of the guys. That’s fine to buy rounds for the guys, etc., but when you can’t afford it … guess what? You can’t afford it.
Nov 302011
Your husband is a moron. It’s either oatmeal or NOMEAL! Hey have you ever watched the show WIFE SWAP?
long story, short conclusion…you are a more responsible adult than he is and lucky for you both that you are in charge of the finances…reign him in some more, dear, tantrums or not…just wait until there are children to consider and all the money that THAT will take…he better learn his lessons NOW…
It sounds like you are very responsible. He needs to be more involved with paying the bills then he will be more aware and conscious of his spending behavior. Maybe you could try saying, the most we can spend a week or month on going out is $ , however much, like a fun budget. Everything else has to be budgeted, sometimes the fun does too.
I know he sounds irresponsible, but take care not to be too controlling
Sorry, I only read about half (too wordy) but it appears you need to sit down and have a talk with him about finances and that him copping an attitude every time you try to discourage him from needless spending, just creates stress in the relationship and doesn’t put any additional money in the bank.
Look at ways you can cut expenses (basic TV cable or rabbit ears, no extras on your cellphone plans, no extras on your internet plans, no hardline phone, buy generic groceries, use coupons, conserve gas by running several errands in one trip, cut back on your utility usage at home, and perhaps one or both of you might consider getting 2nd (part time) jobs to add some cash to the coffer.
You are not wrong at all. Your both adults now and he needs to start acting like one. Maybe if he is so into spending money that you don’t really have he needs to get a second job just to keep up his child like habits. My husband and I bought a new home about 2 years ago and we were only 26 and 28 when we bought the house. We liked to go out alot also but we put our bills first before we spend any money. I think you need to sit down and talk with your hubby and let him know the spending has to stop and it is time to grow up and be a man.
Sit down together with the bills and or give him spending money every week so he knows what he hasto work with, he may tighten up with what he has. Maybe it’ll help.
Do not think you are selfish… you have all the information in front of you and you know exactly where your financial status is. I commend you for be so responsible with your finances. I have to admit that this issue has often brought strife into my relationship and hopefully you can learn from my mistakes.
My advice is to do the bills together. Remember that your husband doesn’t pay the bills with you, he doesn’t look at the bank account, and so he obviously is clueless when it comes to where you stand financially. You must sit and do the bills together, and explain where the money is going. This way you both know where you are financially, and can make plans TOGETHER about how you can change the situation.
Good luck!
hello, based on what you have said it sounds like your husband needs to grow up and be a man rather than still wanting to be a party boy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to go out and have fun, but all things in moderation, and a few years of cutting back now will hopefully bring greater financial rewards and security later.
However, my gut feel is unless he gets his act together you will end up leaving after a few years. He needs to stop being selfish and ask himself what is in this current relationship for *you*. Seems like you are getting much of the stress and he is he is still getting to go out with his mates.
Anyway, I haven’t heard his side of this story, but good luck, I think your relationship is in a bit of trouble and the money side of things is just highlighting this.
This sounds like a case for “Allowance Man”! That is, your husband needs to be put on an allowance.
If he doesn’t like it, then he should find a way to earn extra spending money. Perhaps if he gets a second job, you can let him use that money to party with? If partying is that important to him, he will have to work for the ability to do that. You guys have a budget set with your current income and if he wants extra money he will have to get it somewhere else.
Money can be a serious cause of heartache for couples, and I certainly don’t have the solution for that problem. I have left more men for financial reasons than any other reason. Too many men these days think that the womens rights movement means they don’t have to work and be responsible for themselves.
We have had 6 new houses in our marriage. It is a fact that it takes 2 years to recover financially from buying each one. Each one was affordable for us, but as expected, we moved “up” each time. You have closing costs, new appliances, curtains, bedspread, etc., It all adds up.
He need a chart to see where the money is going. And you both need to pay the bills together.
You must put a foot down. Cut out the alcohol, parties, and eating out for a few months. The money for one sporting event will probably buy almost a weeks worth of groceries. Talk to his mom about it and get her to mention it to him. Sometimes you have to get mad and mean to wake someone up you care about.
Wow, long but finances never easy road.
First ya’ll need to get on same page. Money isnt main issue here. I am sure you are aware of that. Propose new question.
Answer to this one: Get him HIS OWN checking account. Transfer only so much a week from your account together, from your budget. Print out budget for him to see and leave it out and available. Sounds like he lives for the moment. Good luck.
You wrote a book! I didn’t even finish reading it all…you’re husband is immature and you are allowing him to act like a child. Put your foot down and give him an allowance. If he spends it all before pay day then he’ll have to deal with it. Do you really have to sit down and show him all of your expenses? Maybe you should so he can see how many you have… otherwise he might start unfairly resenting you. I would sit down and create a budget together.
I think were married to the same man. My husband was just like that, the reason I said just like that is because he left me. I think your husband really need to grow up and I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I know you don’t want to see him get mad but you do have to put your foot down or it’s gonna get worse. Tell him since you want to party then lets give up our house and then you can do what you want. If you don’t wanna go to a cheaper place to eat he just don’t eat and you go in, get yourself some food and enjoy your food. Eventually he’ll come around. You really don’t need that because if you guys have kids all the left over money is gonna go to the kids and what then? He’s either gonna continue to have an attitude or leave you. He may have been the only child but he new what he was getting himself into when he got married and don’t make excuse for him cause you’ll continue to be unhappy and have grey hair. men are selfish and we let them get away with to much.
here is my two cents.
You are a very responsible person. It is refreshing to hear about someone like you lol.
But, i think you two need to look at some of the things you do and cut back on them. For one thing, you two need to stop eating out so much!! You say you eat out 3 to 5 nights a week. My girlfriend and I were once in that phase too. We would eat out at places that would generally cost about 10 to 15 bucks a meal. When you throw in drinks, appetizers, and tip, you are looking at 40 to 60 bucks each time. I dont know exactly where you guys are going, but im sure its in that range. Do this 3 to 5 nights a week and you are spending 120 to 300 a week just for eating out. I can say that 150 bucks would probably buy you two enough food to cook for one week. Try going out no more than 2 times a week for awhile. Limit your drinks also when you go out. That is where they get your money from you.
Now, since you are mostly concerned about how your husband feels about this, you are just going to have to take the blunt of it concerning the eating out. Let him spend no more and no less that what he is now. I guess you are just going to have to keep this guy happy. He seems to be immature, and he is no where as responsible as you are. But it isnt too much his fault for being upset with the money situation. He works hard all week and wants to have some fun also. There is nothing wrong with this, but he does need to settle down with things. I dont know why this guy cant get it through his head to save some money on some things. Especially the drink situation.
Lets face it, your husband is a little immature and i think him being around his friends is a bad idea with the money situation. I too know how it is when you are around your friends. You feel like a bum when you are not spending a little cash. I have gotten carried away before and spent alot of money buying people drinks and such. It happens, but i realized what was happening and quit going out so much. I cant see why he hasnt realized this yet.
Maybe you should step up and tell him if he wants to spend money, he can also write out the bills so he can see whats going on. My mom and my dad also have the same problem. My mom writes out the bills, but my dad will go buy stupid things and spend rediculous amounts of money. She got fed up with it one time and told him that he could write out the bills from now on. After just one time of that, he stopped spending money! It completely changed him! I dont know if your husband really knows the true value of money, and how it can affect your lives.
Also, maybe you two are living beyond your means at this point in time. You say you want to own a house and all, but is this the same thing your husband wants. Maybe you two are not agreeing on the same things. Doesnt sound like he knew what you two were getting into when you were buying the house.
At this point, with all the trouble you are going through, does it seem like paying for this house right now in this time of your life is worth all the trouble you are having paying the bills and having money left over?
It sounds like you two are still young, but you are more mature than your husband. Therefore you want something that he doesnt want at this point. The burden of conserving money is not going well for him. Maybe you two should think about giving up the house for right now. You did say that your money situation was going to get better someday. Maybe this isnt the right time to in your lifes to be so strict with your money, and to try to keep the house.
What is more important to you, the house or your marriage?
Money and credit should not come first between you and someone you love.
Blah, blah,blah, blah, blah.